Lemonade
by anonymous celebrity
Summary: When supervision's away, the authoress will play... the challenge of writing the ever-important lemon scene. (satirical parody)


****

"Lemonade"

__

I've mocked Heero and Duo with A Chibi Story_, and, for some reason, it was a huge hit. Thanks to everyone who reviewed that story—any authoress can tell you that reviews are the lifeblood of our work. This time, I intend on picking on my two personal favorite characters, Quatre and Trowa, as well as fanfiction in general. ^_^ Gotta love it._

****

Anastasia: Sweet! We get to screw with more Gundam pilots' heads!

****

Quatre: Screw with our heads?!? I don't like the sound of that.

****

AC: Don't worry. Nothing ZERO-like. It's a *happy* story.

****

Trowa: Considering how *happy* the story was when you did what you did to Heero and Duo, it doesn't comfort me any.

****

Anastasia: Just shut up and take your places. _(shoos Quatre and Trowa out)_ Let's run the boring crap and get on with the story!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

Disclaimer: anonymous celebrity does not own Quatre, Trowa, Will Ferrell, bananas, Chinese food, China, the Empire State Building, tube tops, the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, 3-inch stiletto heels, a house, Russian snipers, Cowboy Bebop videos, a decent computer… _(AC hits the muse on the back of the head)_ Sorry… She's a minor and she's poor, so don't sue her, kay?

****

Warnings: yaoi humor, fanfiction mockery

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

__

(enter Authoress, who crosses over to her computer. She turns it on, cracks her knuckles in an exaggerated fashion, then turns to the keyboard and monitor. Realizing the computer isn't functioning properly, she kicks it a few times until it is)

****

Authoress: _(ready to start writing)_ Okaaay… time to write Chapter 27 of the second book of the "On Broken Wings" tiology… the 3X4 LEMON SCENE!! _(these last words are given with ominous glee)_

(lights up on a "dream scene" opposite the Authoress. Quatre is sitting on the bed in an overly feminine manner, dressed only in his infamous pink shirt—surprisingly long enough to cover his underwear—and white socks. His hand is placed on his head in sheer melodramatic distress. Trowa enters as normal)

****

Trowa: Quatre?

****

Quatre: _(turning towards Trowa, lowering his hand)_ You had me worried, Trowa.

****

Trowa: Not as much as I worried about you. But I have it.

****

Quatre: The antidote?

****

Trowa: _(nods)_ To the poison that you contracted at Relena's party when the new rebel faction came with guns and interrupted the Heero/Duo scene where Duo revealed the horrors of his childhood and seven rape experiences because Heero had to get into the miraculously rebuilt Wing Zero to blast the rebels' asses.

****

Quatre: _(a bit overwhelmed)_ Oh. _(beat)_ What happened to me again?

****

Trowa: You got food poisoning.

****

Quatre: Oh yeah. Well, then, give me the medicine. _(drinks it, then notices Trowa giving him a lust-filled look)_ What?

__

(Trowa says nothing, but brushes aside a lock of Quatre's hair. He moves in for the kiss, then…)

****

Authoress: WAIT! I hate this… it's so… CLICHÉ!! _(wails)_

****

Trowa: So's the rest of this story.

****

Authoress: WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!

****

Quatre: _(quickly)_ Nothing! _(glares at Trowa to silence him)_

****

Authoress: _(huffy)_ Okay, let's try this again.

__

(Trowa exits, Quatre resumes his original position)

(Trowa enters as normal)

****

Trowa: Quatre?

****

Quatre: _(turning towards Trowa, lowering his hand)_ You had me worried, Trowa.

****

Trowa: Not as much as I worried about you. But I have it.

****

Quatre: The antidote?

****

Trowa: _(nods)_ To the poison that you—

****

Quatre: Maybe we should skip that.

__

(Trowa considers, then sits on the bed and gives Quatre the vial, from which Quatre drinks)

****

Trowa: _(producing and peeling a banana)_ You need to take it with food.

****

Quatre: _(eyeing the banana curiously)_ Uh… okay.

__

(Trowa slowly puts the banana in Quatre's mouth, removes it, and repeats—the implication is obvious. Quatre doesn't protest, and gets lost in the rhythmic movement into and out of his mouth. This continues until Trowa pushes the fruit too far into Quatre's throat with too much force. Quatre chokes.)

****

Trowa: _(honest concern)_ You okay? _(pats Quatre's back)_

****

Quatre: _(coughing fit, then)_ Yeah, I think so.

****

Authoress: _(frustrated)_ Again!

__

(Quatre and Trowa reset themselves. Trowa enters as normal)

****

Trowa: Konnichi-wa, Quatre-chan.

****

Quatre: Anata had boku worried, koibito.

****

Trowa: Not as much as ora worried about ananta, no da. But ore have it.

****

Quatre: The antidote, ka?

****

Trowa: _(nods)_ Hai. Ninmu kanryou.

****

Quatre: _(shaking his head)_ That's Heero's line… and our Japanese makes no sense… especially with our English… How about one or the other, okay?

****

Trowa: Hai… yes… sí… oui… ja… Oh, hell, let's just skip to the sex. _(pounces Quatre, and they commence making out)_

****

Authoress: THAT'S THE SPIRIT! _(thinks)_ Now, should Trowa be…? Maybe Trowa should be uke instead of seme.

__

(Trowa is on top, so the two flip in a confused mess)

****

Authoress: No, wait, I liked seme better.

__

(Quatre and Trowa flip again, fumbling like before)

****

Authoress: Or maybe uke…

__

(flip)

****

Authoress: No, seme.

__

(flip)

****

Authoress: Uke.

__

(flip)

****

Authoress: Seme.

__

(flip. Quatre hits his head)

****

Quatre: Ow!!

****

Authoress: Sorry about that! _(thinks)_ Maybe they should do it standing up…

****

Trowa: _(fed up)_ Maybe we should start over.

****

Authoress: _(sigh)_ Okay.

__

(Reset. Quatre sits on the bed like he has been, then falls with sudden and surprising force. Trowa enters as normal)

****

Trowa: Quatre? _(Quatre, unconscious, does not respond)_ Quatre?! _(nearing desperation, he crosses to the bed and sits, checking for breathing)_ I was too late! He's… he's… _(unable to say it, he brushes away a lock of Quatre's hair _[I like that gesture! ^_^]_, near tears, even though Trowa doesn't really cry)_ He's still warm… _(looks Quatre over, realizing something, and his demeanor changes instantly to wry amusement, tears forgotten)_ And his sex drive seems to be working perfectly.

****

Quatre: _(flying up, realizing what Trowa means as he takes a pillow and sticks it into his lap. He's beet red)_ NOT FAIR!

****

Authoress: _(exasperated)_ Quatre!

****

Quatre: _(over Trowa's laughter, indignant)_ Well, what do you EXPECT after the seme/uke thing?!… and the banana… and the fact that I'm half-naked and Trowa's here… and… _(to Trowa)_ STOP IT! Me having a boner is not funny!

****

Trowa: _(suddenly predatory)_ I'll show you funny… _(pins Quatre down and climbs on top)_

(enter Duo with a camcorder)

****

Duo: Hey, this'll make a great porn flick!

****

Quatre & Trowa: _(looking up)_ DUO?!?!

****

Duo: Don't let me bother you. Keep going, and don't forget to look good for the camera.

****

Trowa: _(threatening)_ For the camera?!?

****

Duo: Yeah, yeah… just do it.

****

Trowa: No, I don't think so. _(gets up, takes the camcorder, throws it out the door, then steps aside)_ Out.

****

Duo: But I just wanted to…

****

Trowa: Out.

****

Duo: Five minutes of porn. That's all I ask.

****

Trowa: OUT!

****

Duo: I… _(Trowa grabs his braid and throws Duo out)_ You'll be sorry! I swear, I oughta take this camera and shove it up… _(faces out)_

(enter Heero, with gun. He holds it to Trowa)

****

Heero: What did you do to him?

****

Trowa: Who, Duo?

****

Quatre: Hey, what happened to—?

****

Heero: Stay out of this.

****

Wu Fei: _(offstage)_ MAXWELL!!!

****

Trowa: I'd be more worried of what Wu Fei will do than what I've done.

__

(Wu Fei, in boxers with sword, chases Duo, with camcorder, into the room)

****

Wu Fei: Give me that tape!

****

Quatre: What did you do?

****

Duo: Caught him with Sally. _(snicker)_

****

Heero: _(referring to Duo, to Trowa)_ He was depressed two chapters ago. What did you do to him?

****

Trowa: Nothing.

****

Heero: I don't believe it.

****

Wu Fei: Kisama, Maxwell!! GIVE ME THAT TAPE!!

****

Quatre: Maybe we shouldn't—

****

Heero: _(forcefully)_ Quatre, stay out of this.

****

Duo: Make me, Wu-man!

****

Wu Fei: THAT'S IT!! _(Wu Fei charges, and Duo hides first behind Quatre, then moves on behind Heero)_

****

Duo: Heeee-chan, help meeeee!

****

Heero: See?!?!

****

Trowa: Like it's my fault he's bipolar.

****

Wu Fei: Move, Yuy, or you're dying with Maxwell.

****

Quatre: A video isn't worth KILLING over!! _(he's ignored)_

****

Heero: _(savage accusation, to Trowa) _You've brainwashed him!

****

Trowa: How!?!

****

Duo: _(peeking from behind Heero)_ Who did what to whom?

****

Wu Fei: DIE!! _(begins to swing the sword)_

(Quatre, fed up, stands on the bed)

****

Quatre: HOLD IT! _(silence)_ This is MY room with MY storyline and MY problems and MY lemon scene! This is the only I get because this is a 1X2 fic, and I'm DAMN WELL NOT GOING TO LET YOU THREE RUIN IT!! It's been bad enough as is. Now… **_OUT!!_**

(stunned silence)

****

Quatre: **_O-U-T, OUT!!!_** _(Heero, Duo, and Wu Fei make a quick exit, and Quatre turns to the Authoress)_ I hate you.

****

Authoress: Can I help it that my muse is working overtime?

****

Quatre: I'd like to see this muse so that I can—

__

(enter Muse… Will Ferrell in a tutu)

****

Quatre: _(gulp)_ Nevermind. _(sits)_

****

Trowa: _(sitting next to Quatre, loosely draping an arm around him)_ Let's just call it a night.

****

Quatre: Not until I get my lemon scene. _(tackles Trowa onto the bed)_

****

Authoress: That's it! _(types furiously while Muse starts attempting ballet)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

AC: Yeah, totally ruined those poor guys lives yet again…

****

Duo: I thought you said that only Quatre and Trowa were going to get tortured in this one. I WAS ALMOST KILLED!! That seems like torture to me. And what's with the "seven rape experiences"?!?! Why I oughta…

****

AC: I was only touching on a cliché, Duo. Jeez…

****

Duo: …take this camera and shove it up YOUR ass! I can't believe you can be so unfair to me. Quatre and Trowa weren't even IN that story where Heero attacked me…

****

Heero: Might I remind you of what you did to me? I think I suffered more than you did.

****

Duo: …but I have to be in this story. THAT SUCKS!! If I knew how, I'd keep you from writing future fanfictions, but I know you're still going to…

****

Anastasia: Maybe we ought to find a way to shut him up.

****

Duo: …keep writing these stupid things and keep torturing me. But one of these days, anonymous celebrity, one of these days…

****

Wu Fei: … I will take that braid of yours and shove it down your throat.

****

Duo: Eep! _(shuts up, but doesn't look happy in his silence)_

****

Anastasia: Well, I guess that's it, then. The story's been written, the editing's done, and we've managed to stop Duo's grousing. All's well that ends well, right?

****

All: Right!

****

Duo: I hate you.

****

Anastasia: Right! ^_^

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

****

T H E E N D

^_^

*thankies so much to my source for Japanese translation, "A Little Japanese"… I wish I had the name of the compiler, but I can't seem to find it on FFN… please, if you know, tell me so I can give him/her some credit.*

Konnichi-wa: Hello. Used only in the afternoon, I believe.

chan: a suffix used between girls or lovers.

Anata: you. However, since it's used exclusively by girls, neither Quatre nor Trowa should be using this form of the word.

boku: I. Used by tough women and girly men. Watch Endless Waltz in Japanese, and you'll notice that Quatre used this word fairly often.

koibito: Affectionate term used between lovers.

ora: I. It's the term Trowa would use.

no da: contrary to popular belief, this means "I'm sure" or "I'm certain." Pioneer changed it to "ya know" in its Fushigi Yuugi dubs. _Thank you, Moriko! ^_^_

ore: I. According to my source for terms, this is only used by ChiChi and Goku in Dragon Ball Z.

ka: Used at the end of a phrase to indicate a question (again, while watching Endless Waltz in Japanese, I noticed that Quatre uses this pretty often, too)

Hai: Yes. 

Ninmu kanryou: Mission complete.

Hai… yes… sí… oui… ja…: Japanese, English, Spanish, French, German

seme / uke: In a sexual relationship, seme is the partner on top, uke is the partner on bottom (think taker / taken). There has been some fervent debate over which Trowa is, and I figured to play off of that a little.

Kisama: You. Wu Fei uses this a lot in the Japanese version of Endless Waltz (and, I'm guessing, in the show as well). It's not very nice, and generally translates to "you f***" (FYI: in the dubbed version of Endless Waltz—I have the Special Edition DVD and thus it's my source on actual usage of Japanese outside the written page—Zechs saying "kisama" is translated to "damn you". Just in case you wanted to know the context)

****


End file.
